I have spent the entirety of my life running away from my feelings.
Not wanting to cry when I feel sadness creep up on me—not wanting to cry when I am filled with emotion. My cup has always runneth over. I am filled with feelings and yet I run. I avoid. I trip and I fall, because I know that the moment I reach down to the abyss of my truths lightning strikes, and now I am sinking deep. Deep into the pitfalls of spiraling thoughts and happiness that do not mix well together.
I have learned to accept my contradictions. My inner conflict is what leads me to dig deeper into myself.
I have learned to feel in silence and not speak when I feel this world is not a safe place to pour out our feelings of humanity. I have learned to come to myself and find a harbor within myself where I pour out the vessel filled with my truths and empty the vase.
I use to hate church for it reminded me of the deep oppression I once felt at the hands of the people I was told to trust. Now I have made a sanctuary out of myself where all pain and love are listened to and heard at the foot of the altar where I lay. Where I surrender to my pain, to my desire to love, to my desire to feel.
There are days I grapple with pain but I reach out as my own savior and salvation that happiness is my new frontier a place not so far away where joy meets me I just have to get out of this place.
I know a place where judgment lies. I sleep with it every night. The self-deception of shame has been drilled into me and yet I search for a place free of all pain and shame. A place where no judgments lay and I do not search for a great escape outside of myself.
I know of a place where my insecurities have made a bed for me to stay but I no longer stay for I know a place where I am free. A place where I can just be me.
