When I fell in love, it was the most beautiful experience of my life. I thought I found the person I would share my life with. I was certain he would be the father of my children and the man I would walk down the aisle with. I had never felt this way before it was love at first sight from the moment I met him. I’ve always been a fairly logical person but when I met him all logic walked out of the room. Love took over my heart and I knew, or at least I thought at the time I had met the love of my life. He was the one I was waiting for.
After calls that never came through and unanswered texts, as fast as I had fallen for him, I had fallen deeply heartbroken just as fast. I spent months wrestling with my thoughts writing texts out to him so desperately grasping for him. I wanted him to give me something. I wanted him to show me that he cared because I so desperately wanted to believe that he loved me.
I saw a couple of people after him.
Nothing compared to the way I felt with him though. I couldn’t let it go and the thing is no matter how much I distracted myself with the thought of other people I secretly hoped he would call one day. That he would reach out. A part of me still does but ultimately after I stopped dating and sat with myself. After I talked it through with my friends and family one thing was for certain the only way to heal a broken heart was to sit in it. It was to lay in it. Feel the disappointment, feel the pain, and ride with it until one day there is a moment when it doesn’t hurt as much.
I’ve written a lot about pain.
Pain from the trauma I endured and how transformative pain really can be if we allow it to shape us and not make us bitter but transform us.
As the stages of grief go it was not linear it came in waves. Moments I denied my pain and coped by going out. Which I don’t think is the worst idea it's far better than sitting at home and ruminating on the pain. There were times I was angry because I waited for him. I waited for him when he told me he was leaving and coming back time and time again. So I took high-intensity workout classes with my friend to work out my anger, the anger eventually passed and with it, I felt free, but the pain still lingered. I became bitter with myself because, after months of creating a full life for myself, I still was dealing with the aftermath.
Truth is for the longest time I believed I was going to settle down young. I was going to get married have a kid and be a mom. I truly thought that was how my life was going to go, but I ended up having a career. I thought I would write for a living however that's not the way life shaped out to be. I found myself in another career, my ambitions took me further than I ever thought. I always had this idea of how I thought my life would go but nothing of the sort happened.
I look back now and I am so glad he never called.
I am grateful for the expectations that weren’t met. I found myself moving, elevating my career, and becoming a stronger more assured version of myself. I want to say there is beauty in heartbreak I really want to see the good in it. Nothing about heartbreak is beautiful. It's fucking ugly.
There is beauty in the breaking and rebuilding of one's self I feel like there is a new profound version of me. I listen to myself and have tapped into my inner knowing. I don’t ignore that knowing in my spirit I lean into it. I have such a deeper understanding of myself that I am not scared to speak up, to say how I feel, and to mean it. If I love you I am going to say it and not just say it but I will show up for you.
I am no longer scared of life. I exercise caution but I have learned to ride with life. Everything does not have to be a fight. I am learning to accept the way people show up in my life and if they cannot show up in my life the way I need them to that's okay but out of respect for myself I have to walk away because my needs and desires are not being met.
The way you show up in the world is the same extent to which we show up for ourselves. I have learned to put myself first because I need to take care of myself that responsibility is not for my family or friends.
Real self-love is walking away from situations and people in peace not dragging and screaming to be respected. It's showing up for yourself time and time again. Being consistent with the way I nourish my mind, my body, and my soul. I water myself daily and take care of myself consistently and the depression and anxiety no longer take hold of me.
Most days my heart still hurts. Some heartbreaks take longer they sit with you and plague you. This one has hurt far worse than I ever could imagine.
There are times I tell myself I don’t think I will ever love like that again. There was a hopelessness there. A side to me that was so vulnerable that I will never allow anyone to cross me like that again. There are boundaries and checkpoints with myself now. I lacked boundaries then and now I say no. I have learned to leave and not harp on anyone for too long.
I know I will love again, someday. I hope the next time around it stays with me a while longer. I won’t beg and I won’t plead. I’m not sure if I believe in soulmates anymore. I believe in people who show up for you and those are the people that I chose to work it out with.
In the meantime I am loving myself harder, holding myself a little longer. My life is full and I am grateful for the love I have now.
I am grateful for the love that stays.
The consistent love.
With Love Blue 💙
