These days I feel like I am in an episode of Sex in the City except there is no sex and I have gotten heartbroken by relationships that were not even relationships in the first place and never took off the ground. I am not sure what has come over me lately I just feel the need to write about my love life but it feels cathartic to do so. I use to be the kind of woman that would roll my eyes at other women who would just constantly talk about their love life. Now I am that women who talks about heartbreak and the people I meet in a city full of people that are endlessly single and desperate for sex and love. It was not my intention to talk about my love life because all I have ever written about has been my trauma for the past few years.
I realize these days many people my age, in their early 20's barely even blog anymore, they just talk about their love life and hot takes on TikTok but I’ve deleted TikTok because I found myself becoming numb and scrolling on the app for hours and not having an actually life. So I began living for the past few months I stayed in my apartment and worked strange jobs and eventually landed a remote job and since then my life has changed when I decided to just fucking live a little.
I decided that I wanted to feel alive again and leave my apartment for a change and that maybe remote work while it may be the dystopian future that I truly do not want, I’m not sure if it is for me anymore. I say all this to say that I began going out much more and going to more events and meeting people. I also decided to download hinge during this time and my very mundane life became filled with stories that I will carry for quite a while. In many ways online dating made me realize how much I need to actually put myself out there and at the same time protect my energy and space. I found myself also ditching the app and meeting up with friends again and going to spaces that I was once fearful of entering and meeting people whose work I admire. The brilliant part of New York is the sheer amount of people you will meet sometimes by accident and mostly by coincidence. Everyone in this city has a story and there are times I get exhausted listening to all these people's stories but my endless curiosity is always my driving force.
I had been going out on dates much more frequently. Meeting people weekly and eventually, I started truly thinking about what a relationship would look like to me. I had met someone who was non-monogamous. They were absolutely fascinating to me I hadn’t met anyone who just denied the status quo, but you see this beautiful stranger had a partner. When my family and friends found out I was seeing this older, hotter, bisexual, nonmonogamous man they shook their heads practically in unison in disbelief. They all said the same thing this man just saw me as a young beautiful woman who is just bright, new, and full of life and he just wants a taste. I agreed with them but my fascination was in his mystery and he knew that and I knew that and maybe I wanted to follow that curiosity and not do the conventional thing I wanted to see where this would go. Well I did and we went out again and we texted. I found out how he just wanted sex and well I want mind, body, and soul. I wanted to see him again and he agreed but eventually, the connection died out and I found myself bored with his lack of trying and his sexual messages just left me feeling annoyed more than anything. His lack of trying just made me feel like I was just a project and he wanted a taste and when I denied him he stopped trying.
In the following weeks, I decided that I didn’t want to keep holding out for him. I don’t want to wait on anyone so I moved on to someone else who was 30 on the dot 30. He was quick and he liked to move quickly but just as hot as he burned, is as fast as he left. We didn’t touch much as the guy before, actually we never even kissed. We just held each other on Christmas day craving attention and both clearly wanting company.
This connection took me by surprise. He was quite insecure about his looks and he wasn’t a bad-looking guy but whenever I was with him he kept mentioning how he didn’t feel like he was attractive enough, good looking enough. I just listened and told him my own insecurities but mine were not about my looks but more so about how I just want to be loved but I’m not entirely sure if I can do the traditional relationship. I rarely am attracted to many men and most of my attraction is towards women generally. We spoke every day for a week. We talked about life, death, love, and loss. It was nice to bare one's soul to another even if for a short while. He ghosted me after we spent Christmas together. He just stopped trying and I tried. I actually considered after Christmas really just giving it a go and actually seeing myself with him and maybe that's where I went wrong I projected in the future when I shouldn’t have.
After that, I felt a shock in my system. I felt hurt and embarrassed to some extent because I opened up after a long time. I tried after not trying for so long. I like to think that things worked out the way they were supposed to even with my other connections that were not mentioned in this post. I just mentioned the parts that affected me and impacted me the most. In a way, every time someone comes into my life and then leaves my abandonment wound gets triggered. While I do not place expectations when I meet someone it's hard not to feel used in a sense and question why I even put myself out there when someone just stops communicating and I just have to accept that for what it is. It's hard for me not to blame myself.
I like to think that this city is just filled with emotionally avoidant people and I somehow am a magnet for these kinds of people to just walk in and out of my life. It's hard not to feel like the moment I put myself out there people become scared and leave. In many ways, it brings up a part of me that feels inadequate even though I know I am not. I know that I am a beautiful person, with a beautiful soul, and I have so much love to give I just wonder where is my person. How much easier would this be if I just found my person? Someone who is willing and able to pour into me. My end game is a mind, body, and soul connection. I felt it before with platonic relationships but it's hard for me not to feel like when is it my turn to receive romantic love?
So where the fuck are they?
