When I think of my younger self I think about how I wish I were gentler with myself. That there are moments I would like to tell her everything is going to be alright. I miss her ambiguity and her sweet unwavering empathy. I love my 17-year-old version that questioned everything and stood up for what was wrong.
The lines blur as you get older for you quickly learn people are morally corrupted by greed, by power, by money, by control. I wish at times I lived in a world that did not silence our pain and hush our truths. A world where we are not deterred by delusions and lies. A world in which I spoke about the abuse that I endured by the adults I trusted and someone protected me. When you are young you don’t get much of a say with the people in your life. At times it is hard to forgive those that I trusted the most. It's hard to realize the hard truths. What should have been done was I should have been listened to. I wish others had fought harder so I did not have to face sexual abuse. I wish the adults in my life had not abandoned me. As a teenager, I carried shame when that shame and burden simply did not belong to me. It's hard to go back to a time in my life when I was ignored and pushed aside. I was told to forget about the things that had occurred to me.
We look to pillars in our community to provide comfort and a safe haven but what happens when those people abuse their power? When I look back now I realize that I was not wrong. When they use your vulnerabilities against you to abuse you. Who are the people to protect you?
What I know now is that there is no savior but ourselves that heal our wounds. In my story, there is no justification or shame or blame I will carry any longer. That is freedom and liberation within itself. I do not care who I may offend with my voice because if the truth shakes you if my words make the ground beneath you shake it is not my responsibility. It is my responsibility to speak my truth. I’ve spent a lifetime putting what others want from me and protecting people who have hurt me, I’m done caring.
